See What's Coming To Our Censors
Sydney Morning Herald
Friday October 6, 2006
THREE people enter the secret offices of the Office of Film and Literature Classification. The two men, both named Smith, are bald and wear black suits and nerdy glasses. The woman, Jones, is also bald and wears a black suit and nerdy glasses.
Smith No. 1: Hello, Smith. What did you get up to at the weekend?Smith No. 2: I pored through the entire Dr Seuss collection looking for hidden meanings. The Cat in the Hat alone is full of filth. Finally we can nail Seuss once and for all. OK, down to current business. Who wants to go first? Jones: I think we need to look to address what Philip Ruddock has been saying about banning "books of hate" from libraries. I have a few candidates we should remove from publication. (Tosses a book on the table.) Here's one the police are worried about. It depicts a brown-skinned figure of Middle Eastern appearance engaged in bizarre acts. What's more, he refuses to answer police questions about his activities. It's almost like he's taken a religious vow of silence.Smith 1: Hmm. Humphrey B. Bear's Happy Adventures. More like Jihad B. Bear's Plot to Overthrow the Western Infidel. Let's ban it. Smith 2: Here's another troubling text that flouts our immigration policy. Instead of us deciding, as John Howard rightly said, who comes here, this book advised all to 'open wide, come inside'.Smith 1: The Play School Primer. I think we'll ban it, and advise that the entire program be pulled off the air. Jones: Take that, liberal media. Smith 1: And here's a list of name changes I think we should go ahead with. Lady Chatterley's Lover becomes Lady Chatterley's Life Partner. Origin of Species is now Darwin Was Just Wrong, OK? The Joy of Sex becomes Lie Back, Procreate and Think of Peter Costello. How to Vote Labor becomes Plan 9 from Outer Space: How Blood-Sucking Demons from Hell Will Lift Interest Rates to 17 Per Cent. Michael Moore's Stupid White Men becomes Michael Moore is Stupid and Fat. And Mark Latham's A Conga Line of Suckholes should be An Orderly Procession of Distinguished Gentlemen Pay Homage to the Great and Worthy Leader George W. Bush, Esquire. Jones: Agreed. Shouldn't we ban some porn while we're at it? Smith 1: No. We're not here to stifle free expression. We're not prudes.Smith 2: I am. Jones: So am I.Smith 1: Whatever.
© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald